The Vastness of Who I Am

A few years ago, I had a mystical experience that completely shifted, expanded and distilled my understanding of Who I Am.

My eldest daughter turned 5 years old and we threw her a fabulous backyard party. Over 30+ adults and kids, games, food, good times but also exhausting mostly. I have always found spaces with lots of energy, especially big energy that kids have, takes a lot out.

So after the party and a quick tidy-up, hubby and I took turns to go for a walk alone to decompress, recharge and re-ground.

It was a stunning end of summer.

I made a conscious decision to focus, really bring my awareness to the feeling of the warm afternoon sun on my face, the light cool breeze on my skin, the salty ocean smell and fragrance of gentle eucalyptus leaves. The sparkly rolling blue ocean on the horizon as I walked to the beach.

And then it happened.

My vision seemed to shift, sharpen, intensify, or slow down. Time seemed to tilt, like I walked into a bubble. Like I had stepped into a threshold that heightened my senses. And then something inside of me shifted. Expanded.

I was looking out through my eyes, but it wasn't me looking out anymore.

In that moment, I wasn't Kim, mother to two incredible girls, wife to Fletcher, business woman, Kinesiopractor.

I was... a Vast Being.

And then the words spilled out from my mouth. As if answering questions I hadn't yet asked.

"I am who I am.

I am the One that Creates.

I create worlds.

I created this world.

I create the warmth of the Sun,

I create the air. I create the Ocean.

I create the flowers and grass."

Then I stopped speaking.

And I just knew, this expanded, infinite, Vast Being, version of myself that is everything, had "shrunk itself" smaller and smaller, limiting itself "down" and "down" into this minute tiny "vision" of existence, in this "shell" of momentary experience of human/Kim to experience itself.

To experience its own creation through "my" perspective.

The warmth of the sun, sound of waves and birds, the beauty and touch of smell of the roses I walked past, taste of the salty ocean breeze that I breathed in.

I don't know how long it felt, time stretched forever, or stood still, "Kim" wasn't there, just this infinite being, and Kim was the tiny, observing 'part' from the corner of my capacity.

I/we sat on the sand and edge of water past what felt like an endless time, feeling the courses of the sand in our hands, watching ripples dip and bob of the water. The sun setting on the horizon. Serenades of lapping waves at our feet, breathing deeply the ocean smell.

Feeling the shifting temperature of the warm water and the cooling of the breeze.

And it was bliss and Stillness, beyond words.

I/we smiled like an omnipresent Being that was loving and appreciating one's Creation.

Like the awe and reverence of a doting parent watching their little one playing or sleeping.

Taking in the joy of one's creation.

I'm not sure how long I sat by the water's edge, taking in and immersing, appreciating the experience of "my creation".

The heightened colours, heightened sense of the breeze on my skin...

In that entire time, I completely "forgot" who I was, or where I was. I was so completely experiencing that singular point in time, it felt like time stood still, or was in a bubble, or time itself was stretched and malleable.

What imprinted so clearly that day, beyond the incredible heightened senses and deep blissful ecstasy feeling/state of mind, was the vastness of knowing "who I am".

I was Everything, and I was Nothing. No name, no particular being, just pure awareness, a momentary singular focus. For in being Nothing, I was Everything. When I was in a state of no names, no labels, no role, no conceptions, I simply was... the expanded awareness.

My awareness encompassed what I saw and felt and experienced! I was the birds, I was the sand, I was the ocean, I am the breeze. But my momentary focus or singular focus, my drawing "in" this perspective of "Kim" meant I momentarily "separated" from all the above, in order to experience it/them.

Slowly, slowly, the memory of "Kim" came back front and centre, like she'd been sleeping, or watching from the passenger seat — and was now coming back into the driver's seat.

Slowly the "conception of self" as "Kim" came back, including my memories of "past", my role as mother, wife, etc.

My concept of time also crept back. I remembered "sunset" and going back into "the world", back to my home in order to wind down the girls for bedtime.

It was a sad experience, detaching from the feeling of connection to "All that is", but I also understood in the moment, the "detachment" was temporary, so that I could have this experience as "Kim".

That was consolation.

From that day onward, I've always known and felt the vastness, the limitlessness of my Greater Self / expanded self.

When I meditate, I feel the release of the "confined self" and expand into the "more expanded" version/perspective.

Sometimes, I expand to encompass an entire region/area.

Sometimes I am a giant huge omnipresent Being, sitting amidst a lotus flower.

Sometimes I simply expand out and I can see/feel/sense an entire space, region, country, planet.

And then I gently come back, slowly, settle back into, "shrink" back into my momentary "shell"/experience called Kim.

Knowing/remembering this feeling, actually gives/offers a sense of freedom.

A letting go of the noise I know is unnecessary. The remembrance and experience of my Greater/expanded Self anchors my experience as "Kim". To fully embrace, appreciate, and enjoy this momentary limitation as a human, with all its quirks, wonders, restrictions, limitations and simplicity.

The joy and beauty of this simple, human and momentary existence.